she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
