I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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