NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
