I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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