There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
