We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
