Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
