just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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