my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
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