if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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