and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
