I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
