On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
