I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
This couple is walking their pig around campus
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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