I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
