Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
