I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
