I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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