White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
