Don't make out with my wife yet
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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