Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
