Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
