I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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