i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
