did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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