My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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