There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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