I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
