i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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