At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
