Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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