The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
