I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
