He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
