Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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