apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
