if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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