How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
