My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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