Moan for me like Helen Keller
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
