i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize