i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
