Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
