The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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