I'm drive I can fine osifer
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
