a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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