foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
