here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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