I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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