Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
