i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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