Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
