Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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