Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
